


Dark Reflections

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [28]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15466959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for... A Dark Reflection





	1. Alec

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, this was hell to write. I understand why Alec didn't tell him, and I understand why Magnus was so enraged. With my loathing of the Clave I wish there had been a middle ground for them to meet on where this news about the Soul Sword could have been used to unite the Shadow World in a hunt for Valentine and the Sword but... I am whimsical...

Alec rereads Magnus' message saying he is finally home and intends to sleep for a few hours, wishing he could run to the loft right now and curl up beside him. It's even worse for the beautiful sleepy picture Magnus sends him, free of make up and his face pressed deep into the pillow. The caption with it reading _I wish you were here with me_ is enough to make Alec want to throw the phone across the room.

Alec grips the phone tight willing himself to calm, and forces himself to type back a cheerful reply telling Magnus he can't wait to see him tonight. And then he pushes Magnus far from his thoughts, because it's the only way he can deal with the thought of keeping something so important from him. After all the trust they've had to rebuild because of that _cell_ and everything that Magnus suffered for because of being in Valentine's body; is it truly better to keep this from him? Or worse?

There is plenty to distract him, however. Their search for Valentine continues to show up nothing, and though he acts strong, the thought of Max going out in the field as a _soldier_ fills Alec with dread. But he keeps a proud smile on his face as he gives Max his orders to report to Izzy, and reminds himself he was only Max's age when he'd done the same.

Clary and Jace's arrival saves Alec from worrying too much about Max for the moment, sharing his burden with them about the Soul Sword as they reveal Jonathan's personal effects are missing. He repeats, for Clary's benefit, what the three Mortal Instruments together could bring about, and is glad at least that she understands what a mess they are in.

Alec's guilt about not sharing this secret with Magnus rushes back in the second they leave his office, but it doesn't get chance to stick around for long with reports to be made, queries to answer, and all the other details needed to run the Institute. Though Alec is so tightly wound thinking about both Valentine and the Soul Sword being missing, that he's snappier than he means to be with everybody.

Even Izzy, he thinks with a groan, hearing her heels march angrily away from him after she challenges the decision to put Max in the field. Max is their baby brother, they're both protective of him. So why does he feel like he's on one side of the argument alone, and she is on the other?

They _are_ soldiers, Alec repeats to himself in his defense, they're Nephilim; it's what they were all born to do. To protect, and defend, and in his case lead, not letting personal things get in the way of the bigger picture. So he can no easier make excuses for keeping Max from going out in the field than he can for sharing his knowledge about the Soul Sword with Magnus.

Alec groans out loud to himself, face turned towards the ceiling before he slumps down in the chair at his desk with no idea about what to do. It isn't even as though he can do any more than he already is doing; they've got just about every resource they have focused on finding Valentine, that there is barely anyone left for the regular day-to-day running of the Institute. And yet, they're managing, Alec thinks, fiercely proud of his team. Though that pride dips a little for the idea that an accomplice of Valentine might still be within these very walls, and Alec is back to feeling lost again quicker than he'd succeeded in making himself feel better.

There are so many reports to go through, Alec thinks, looking at the stack in front of him and wanting to groan for it. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes demanding to himself that he focus, then takes the next one from the pile.

* * *

He's still working through his reports when there is a polite rap of knuckles on the door frame. Alec lifts his head to find Magnus there in the doorway, and both wants to sag in relief for seeing him and wish he wasn't here, for this secret itching to blurt its way out.

"Lost track of time?" Magnus says with a soft smile, keeping his distance from Alec's desk as though appreciating how hard he is working.

Magnus' message from earlier confirming a time for dinner comes flooding back to Alec, and he wants to kick himself all over again.

"I missed dinner, didn't I?" he says with a heavy sigh, unable to look at him.

"Only by a few hours," Magnus replies with a soft laugh.

He doesn't deserve such softness, Alec thinks, standing and walking across the room. "I'm… I'm so sorry, really."

Alec kisses him in greeting, and for those few seconds he feels at peace with himself, like he's whole again. Magnus' smile is so affectionate, Alec thinks, cursing himself all over again, letting his hand slip to grip around his shoulder.

"I just… it's been so crazy here—"

"I understand," Magnus says with more soft laughter.

He _does_ understand, Alec thinks. So why doesn't he just _tell_ him?

"I… I can't believe I forgot."

"It's okay, Alexander," Magnus insists, holding on to his arm, then grabbing hold of his shoulder, still with that adoring smile. "If we can't go to the Cape, I'll bring the Cape to us."

Alec nods, wishing he could give Magnus more than take out at his desk. But then Magnus is conjuring a full restaurant dining table into his office, covered in delicious-looking food. Alec catches himself smiling for it, loving how effortless it is for Magnus to do just about anything.

"Lobster tails and champagne to toast to a successful Downworld meeting," Magnus adds as they make their way to the table, where he holds out a glass for Alec that he clinks against.

The champagne is good. It makes Alec think of so many of their dates, when they've been to restaurants here in New York or halfway around the world. He wishes this was one of those times instead of feeling only one of them is truly present in the room.

"It went well?" he asks, wanting to wince for the _success_ of the meeting, when right now that success might be based on untruths.

"Relatively," Magnus replies as they sit. "But the Downworlders barely trust the Clave to begin with, and the Seelie Queen went on and on about the Clave being nothing but a bunch of liars."

Alec's heart is in his throat. He can't deny it, and yet he doesn't want it to be the truth. "That's harsh," he says, instinctively far more than truly meaning it.

"But Luke and I assured them that now that _you_ are the Head of the Institute, and implementing a policy of complete transparency, change was on the way," Magnus continues with that effortless pride for him that seems ever-present.

Alec feels sick for it. Magnus extends a fork to him and instead of taking the food from it into his mouth as Magnus probably intended, he plucks it off with his fingers for not thinking he'll be able to keep it down.

"That's good to hear," he says with laughter that even to his own ears sounds nervous.

"It is, isn't it?" Magnus replies, sounding both pleased, and proud. "Oh, drawn butter?"

"Oh, sure," Alec replies, as though this is a normal evening meal between them, and there isn't a huge divide right down the middle of the table that he is creating.

He watches Magnus begin to eat, and seeing that he's actually starving adds even further guilt to Alec for making him wait.

"Thank you for this," Alec says, reaching out to squeeze Magnus' thigh. "I'm really sorry about dinner."

"We're having dinner," Magnus points out, gesturing at their table and smiling. "I know things are going to be difficult for you here for a while. With Valentine…"

Magnus' voice trails away, and Alec pitches forward to kiss him, cupping the back of his neck to draw him in for a longer one. Magnus leans into him and sighs, still looking tired.

"Did you get some sleep?" Alec asks, moving to sweep his thumb over his cheek.

"A little," Magnus agrees, covering Alec's hand with his own. "I imagine I will sleep better with you beside me. But at the moment, I can't imagine you will have the time to leave the Institute for much of anything."

Alec wants to prioritize Magnus. To put being with him above anything else. To be selfish, in ways he never has been before. But he can't, because he isn't being honest with Magnus. And even if he was, he barely has the time.

"Probably not," he says, because there is little else he can say.

"Well," Magnus says, smiling at him in affection Alec doesn't feel like he deserves, "perhaps once this is all over, we can take a little time, just for ourselves."

Alec wants that, more than anything, and he wants it more than anything right now.

"Sounds good," is all he can say in answer, trying to force himself to eat as Magnus turns back to his meal, unable to taste a single bite as he watches him out of the corner of his eye.

* * *

Alec doesn't particularly know Dot, though her affection for Clary and that she is a friend of Magnus' tells him she is someone he should trust. He doesn't though, not entirely, and as he watches her sat in front of the fire in his office he tries to justify to himself why that might be.

Alec thinks of the day he'd gone to Magnus' for a strand of hair for Imogen's _testing_ , and their subsequent evening apart. He knows that Dot and Magnus had drunk and danced together after Magnus had sent him away, and even that she'd tried to kiss him. Alec tells himself that isn't the reason he is eyeing her with suspicion, and also that there is no reason for her to be looking at him in the same way. Other than her mistrust of the Clave, of course.

He thinks of messaging Magnus to let him know Dot is here, though the thought of having him close as they try to find the Mirror when the Sword is still out there changes his mind. Besides, barely any time has passed since Magnus left after their dinner, and Alec still feels guilt for the way he couldn't fully give himself to Magnus during it, of how he'd barely hugged him back when he'd said goodbye. So he goes back to pacing as Dot studies the leylines, trying to work out if he should talk or not.

"I don't think I've ever seen Magnus so worked up about somebody before," Dot says without even looking up. "Not in a good way, anyway."

Alec doesn't know what to make of that, though it does bring him to a stop. "Oh."

"You should cherish that," she adds, looking up at him, and it's as though she's looking right into the corner of his mind where that _secret_ is kept, calling for him to let it out.

"I will. I mean, I do," he stutters out, and he _does_ cherish it. He cherishes every moment he gets to spend with Magnus and everything they share together. And after _this_ is over, he's going to cherish him all the more.

"Good," Dot says, narrowing her eyes a little. "Magnus deserves to have someone love him that much. He's been through hell. You wouldn't know it, of course—"

"He's told me a lot of stuff—"

"Then, you should probably cherish that as well," Dot says, still staring hard. "Magnus doesn't share easily. Not things about himself, anyway. You should be honored."

"I am—"

"And I _meant_ ," Dot says, silently telling him not to interrupt her, "that you wouldn't know Magnus had been through half of what he has for how he is. How good he is to everyone around him."

Her words are nothing but true. Alec feels even guiltier for it, ready to call Magnus right now to tell him about the Sword, or run to his apartment to tell him in person. But again the walls of the Institute seem to close in on him speaking of his duty, and his father's words come back to taunt him.

Alec starts pacing, leaving Dot to her research, but then opens his mouth to speak again. The words he wants to say are about Magnus, but they don't come out, forced away by a glimpse at the leylines she is studying and what they are hoping to find.

He wants this over with, and quickly, and then he can move on to whatever his next task is going to be.

"Any luck?" he asks, folding his arms tight across his chest.

"I'm getting closer to narrowing down the location," Dot replies.

"You understand that once you retrieve the Mirror, it becomes property of the Clave?" he says, because he has to, and because he wants her to know. There is a slight residual mistrust he then half-remembers having for Dot for when she was with Valentine, even if that situation was out of her control.

"You think I want anything to do with this?" Dot replies with an arch to her voice and a derisive snort. "The only thing I care about is stopping Valentine."

More guilt hits Alec, both for that mistrust and the reminder that the missing Soul Sword is a worry for this warlock sat in front of him too. All warlocks. All Downworlders. He has no right to—

"No, I didn't mean to—"

"I'm sorry, but I've lost whatever faith in the Clave I had left," Dot says, turning to look at him again. "So when I retrieve the Mirror, it becomes the property of Clary Fairchild. She's the only one that I trust. She can do what she wants with it."

Only one of _you_ , Alec amends, knowing he's earned it, that the Clave, and even this very Institute has earned that lack of trust.

"Fair enough," he says, because what else is he supposed to? And because he doesn't want another stretch of silence between them where he is in danger of saying something he shouldn't, Alec changes the subject. "We've had too many security breaches recently, so I'm limiting your escort to Jace and Clary. You'll be safer that way."

"Thanks," Dot says, just as Clary, Jace, and Sebastian arrive.

There are things they need to discuss. Alec forces away his thoughts of Magnus from returning, and tries to focus on what Clary has to tell him about Jonathan.

* * *

Alec's head hurts. The words are blurring in front of him, and not a single one is staying in his mind. How many more things can he read about them not knowing where Valentine might be hiding, or who might be helping him?

There is a soft knock on the door frame, and Alec looks up to see Magnus waiting there with a small smile. Alec smiles automatically, always happy to see him, before his stomach knots for thinking he's missed more plans.

"Please don't say you've been waiting for me all this time," he says, though he's not really sure how long has passed since they finished dinner, or why he thinks Magnus might be lurking in the hallways of the Institute waiting for him to be done.

"No," Magnus says, "just wanted to see you."

Magnus' words settle something soft in Alec, though it's ripped away again for the thought of what he's hiding. And then he really looks at Magnus, takes in the tension in his spine, the agitated way he isn't quite making eye contact with him.

"Is everything okay?"

"I thought so," Magnus replies as he walks towards him, "but now I'm not so sure."

Alec unfolds his leg from his lap and holds on to his tablet, sitting forward. "What's going on?"

"You tell me, Alexander," Magnus says, and he speaks his name not in the sweet, affectionate tone Alec is used to, but instead clipped, as though he is bordering on incensed. "From the day I met you, the one thing I knew I can count on from you was honesty. Absolute, total honesty."

He knows, Alec thinks, snatching his eyes away, and telling himself to keep calm even though his heart is already racing. He stands up, hand out as he begins to defend himself.

"I can explain," he says, but then asks himself if that's even true.

"You knew about the Sword?" Magnus says, already knowing the answer from the look on his face.

"I just found out, I swear."

"When?" Magnus demands. "When did you know? Tonight, when I talked to you about trust, did you know then?"

It's worse, really, Alec thinks, that Magnus isn't even raising his voice, that it's quiet anger threading through his words as he comes closer and closer to him.

Alec knows his only option here is the truth. "I did," he agrees, far sterner than is necessary as he tries to focus himself. It  _was_ the right decision not to tell him, Alec tells himself, then immediately decides that it wasn't.

"Okay," Magnus says, nodding, and that quiet anger rising to the surface. He looks away, and Alec hates himself for the turmoil he sees running over his face. He has to find a way to salvage this, to explain his reasoning. Even if he hasn't yet managed to properly to himself.

"Look, I was worried that if the Downworld found out, there'd be widespread panic. It could have led to a rebellion."

There is truth to it at least, Alec thinks, it's one of the many reasons he's been debating with himself over sharing this news with Magnus since his dad told him.

"And you didn't trust me to stay quiet?" Magnus fires back at him, the pitch of his voice now starting to rise.

"I didn't say that," Alec denies. "I didn't wanna ask you to have to keep a secret from your own people. That wouldn't be fair to you."

It wouldn't, Alec thinks, though now it sounds like such a desperate, poor argument, that he regrets ever letting the words spill from his mouth.

"Oh," Magnus says, and the tone of it has Alec narrowing his eyes. "You're just like the Clave. Making promises you never intend to keep. Oh, _transparency_?"

"Magnus. Magnus, let's not make this personal," Alec fires back at him. They've had this conversation about keeping their two lives separate, and—

"How can I not make it personal?" Magnus demands. "Valentine wants me dead."

Alec tries to quiet him with a finger against his lips but Magnus is too enraged, and it only seems to make things worse.

"He wants us all dead—"

"I _know_ ," Alec says, raising his own voice.

"And after I bared my heart and soul," Magnus says, his voice dropping to an angry, hurt whisper. "I told you things I have never told anyone. And you looked me straight in the eye and lied."

"Magnus, I didn't—"

"I guess it runs in the family," Magnus adds with scorn. He knows exactly what Alec thinks of his father, because they've _shared_ so much together. He knows exactly what to say to make it hurt.

"Hey—"

Magnus isn't listening to him. He turns his back on Alec, and gets to the doorway before Alec finds his words.

"That's not fair. Magnus," he calls, but Magnus has gone.

Alec breathes hard, frozen to the spot for a few seconds before he can convince his feet to move. And by the time he rounds the corner Magnus is nowhere to be seen. He frantically tries to call him, pleading with Magnus to pick up, but his call goes unanswered.

 _Magnus, please. Let me explain_ he writes out, sending it before he has chance to overthink it, knowing that at this point it's nothing but empty words. The weight of everything hits Alec all at once sending him sinking into his chair, tightly clutching his phone in his hand trying to think his way out of this additional mess he's created for himself.

* * *


	2. Magnus

When Magnus finally makes it home from the Seelie Court, the only thing he can think about is going to bed. He snaps his fingers to remove his make up, shrugging his clothes off to throw over the chair at the foot of the bed as he goes, then grabs his phone from his pant pocket and throws himself down on the bed.

He's yawning even as he types out his message, stretching one hand out across the sheets to where Alec usually sleeps. _I wish you were here with me_ he writes, following it up with a no-doubt awful photo of himself. _How about you come here for a drink, and then we can go out to dinner? I was thinking, perhaps a visit to the Cape? Around eight o'clock?_

He tells himself he'll wait for Alec to answer, to at least know he isn't working so hard he isn't even allowing himself that smallest of breaks. But Magnus is so tired that he falls asleep with one hand curled beneath Alec's pillow, and the other outstretched still clutching his phone.

* * *

When Alec is still not home more than an hour after he's expecting him, there is a moment when Magnus begins to worry that something is wrong. But then he thinks of Alec's workload of late, and this new nightmare of Valentine's escape that is pressing down on them all, and tells himself to be patient, and wait.

Though it isn't like Alec to forget the time entirely, and Magnus first checks his phone for messages, then that the phone is working, and even sticks his head out on the balcony to check there isn't some freak weather incident hitting the city he's been unaware of for only really being half awake.

Deciding he can wait no more, Magnus checks himself over in the mirror and opens a portal to the Institute, making his way down familiar hallways with greetings for those that he passes before coming to a stop outside Alec's office. He peeks in around the doorway, smiling to see Alec hard at work. He knocks once, not wanting to startle him, smiling again when Alec looks up

"Lost track of time?" Magnus asks in teasing as he steps into the doorway.

Alec's face falls, and Magnus imagines he can see him folding in on himself in remorse.

"I missed dinner, didn't I?" Alec says with a heavy sigh, unable to look at him.

"Only by a few hours," Magnus replies with a soft laugh.

Alec pushes himself to his feet looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders as he walks towards him. "I'm… I'm so sorry, really."

A settled feeling washes in over Magnus as Alec kisses him in greeting, curling his hand around his shoulder. Even that slight touch between them is enough to ground him, help Magnus feel centered after all that time spent at the Seelie Court. He helplessly smiles back at Alec wishing he could whisk him home right now, or take him anywhere but here. But the look on Alec's face says that he's going to need to keep working for a while yet.

"I just… it's been so crazy here—"

"I understand," Magnus says with more soft laughter for just how guilty he looks.

"I… I can't believe I forgot," Alec adds, and he's so annoyed at himself.

"It's okay, Alexander," Magnus insists, holding on to his arm, then grabbing hold of his shoulder, still smiling for how crestfallen Alec is looking. "If we can't go to the Cape, I'll bring the Cape to us."

Magnus snaps his fingers and summons a food-laden table into the room. It's not ideal, and the setting is less-than-perfect. But if he's going to at least get Alec to eat something then he's going to do it by whatever means possible. Even if those means are a little extravagant.

"Lobster tails and champagne to toast to a successful Downworld meeting," he says as they make their way to the table, holding out a glass for Alec that he clinks against.

"It went well?" Alec asks after taking a sip of the champagne and humming in what Magnus assumes is approval.

"Relatively," Magnus replies as they sit. "But the Downworlders barely trust the Clave to begin with, and the Seelie Queen went on and on about the Clave being nothing but a bunch of liars."

Alec doesn't say anything immediately, though Magnus is starving, busying himself with looking over their meal. "That's harsh," Alec says then, and Magnus waves it away.

"But Luke and I assured them that now that _you_ are the Head of the Institute, and implementing a policy of complete transparency, change was on the way."

Everything looks delicious, and Magnus doesn't know where to start. So he loads up some lobster on a fork for Alec and holds it out.

"That's good to hear," Alec replies, taking it from the fork with his fingers instead of his mouth as Magnus had expected. He's too hungry to dwell on it, though.

"It is, isn't it?" Magnus replies, distracted for how much he's looking forward to eating. Even though he'd eaten the Queen's offerings out of courtesy, every bite of food in the Court had left his stomach hollow. "Oh, drawn butter?"

"Oh, sure," Alec replies, as Magnus finally takes a bite of food himself and sighs around it in relief.

Alec's hand reaches out and squeezes around his thigh, the warmth of it settling Magnus further still. 

"Thank you for this," Alec says with a soft look for him. "I'm really sorry about dinner."

"We're having dinner," Magnus points out, gesturing at their table and smiling. "I know things are going to be difficult for you here for a while. With Valentine…"

Magnus' voice trails away as he returns to his food, hungry enough to eat faster but telling himself to slow down.

"Did you get some sleep?" Alec asks, sweeping his thumb over his cheek.

"A little," Magnus agrees, covering Alec's hand with his own. "I imagine I will sleep better with you beside me. But at the moment, I can't imagine you will have the time to leave the Institute for much of anything."

Magnus wants to be a little selfish and ask Alec to come home with him anyway. If not only to ensure Alec himself gets a good night's sleep, then to help him do so as well. It is a surprise to Magnus just how quickly it has got to the stage where he sleeps so much better with Alec in the bed there with him. But Alec is likely going to be dealing with all that's happened for a while, so Magnus tells himself to be patient. Toys with the idea of offering to sleep here in the Institute with him but then dismisses it for the proximity to that  _cell_ below them that will taunt him into not sleeping at all.

"Probably not," Alec says, and Magnus wonders if there have been any reprimands from the Clave for Valentine going missing while Alec is in charge. But Alec still looks a little like he has too much to think about, so Magnus doesn't ask.

"Well," Magnus says as he smiles at Alec, "perhaps once this is all over, we can take a little time, just for ourselves."

Alec smiles wistfully, as though that would be something he would much prefer to be doing right now.

"Sounds good," Alec replies, slowly picking up his fork.

Magnus takes a sip of his champagne and returns to his meal, absently thinking of places to take Alec when they next have the time.

* * *

"So you're telling me your sister's still alive?" Magnus asks, thinking of Cleophas as he looks at Luke's troubled expression and finding it hard to believe. "I don't understand what this has to do with the Downworld."

He's barely been back in his apartment a few minutes, not having the time for much more than a quick hurried hug and kiss with Alec before more work was presenting itself at Alec's office door. Coming home to Luke's frantic message that he needed to speak with him exasperates Magnus, when all he wants right now is a little peace.

"Cleophas sent me this fire message," Luke says, waving the burnt-edged paper in his fingers. "It appears that Valentine is holding her captive. Magnus, she said he still has the Soul Sword."

Magnus doesn't believe it for a second. "That's impossible."

"Look, I thought the same," Luke says, "but the Clave lied."

Magnus doesn't want to believe that either. Because if the Clave has lied about this, what else have they lied about? "I have to tell Alexander."

"Wait," Luke says, stopping Magnus with a light grip to his arm even as he turns away. "Alec is Head of the Institute. He might already know."

Impossible, Magnus thinks, dismissing the idea immediately.

"No, I just saw him," he says, shaking his head, "he would have told me if he knew."

He knows Alec wouldn't keep this from him, Magnus thinks to himself, Alec would never hide something like this.

Magnus waves the fire message Luke just handed him and passes it back. "He would never keep something this important from me."

Though if he believes that, Magnus thinks as he rushes out of his apartment leaving Luke stood there, then why is his heart racing? Why is it so urgent that he gets to Alec right now?

Alec was strange throughout dinner, Magnus acknowledges, and in doing so putting knots in his stomach for recalling the way Alec had averted his eyes repeatedly, and the occasional clipped tone of his words. He was on edge the entire time, Magnus realizes, his stomach dropping. Usually when they've been apart for more than a few hours there is far more affection between them than they shared just a little earlier. Alec barely hugged him back when he'd wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his nose into Alec's neck and inhaling his familiar smell.

By the time he arrives at the Institute, Magnus has talked himself into and out of confronting Alec about it. But as he takes the final steps towards Alec's office, a cold certainty of the truth about the Soul Sword settles in his gut.

Alec is on one of the low chairs in his office, studying something on his tablet. He has his fingers pressed to his temple in that way he does when he has a headache, and Magnus' first instinct is to send a wave of magic to soothe him for it. But then he's hit with a fresh reminder of what Alec might be keeping from him, and he doesn't want to believe it, yet doesn't currently see a way to another truth. He knocks on the door frame watching Alec lift his head and smile, and tells himself to keep calm.

"Please don't say you've been waiting for me all this time," Alec says, as though they might have made some other plans he has forgotten. Did he really forget dinner earlier, Magnus thinks, or was he hoping to avoid him?

"No," Magnus replies, "just wanted to see you."

Alec smiles for it, and looks tired still. Magnus is torn between wanting to ask him to rest, and getting this awful conversation over with. Though when he tries to form the words he finds he can't even make eye contact with Alec.

"Is everything okay?" Alec asks, concern in his voice that twists something deep in Magnus' gut.

"I thought so," Magnus replies walking towards him, "but now I'm not so sure."

Alec sits forward, frowning. "What's going on?"

"You tell me, Alexander," Magnus says, trying to control his voice to disguise the betrayal he's feeling. "From the day I met you, the one thing I knew I can count on from you was honesty. Absolute, total honesty."

He knows I know, Magnus thinks, watching the way Alec's face shifts and changes, and then the point of his finger as he stands looking ready to defend himself.

"I can explain," Alec says, and Magnus is sure he feels his chest tighten. He won't allow himself the sentimental thought that his heart is breaking.

"You knew about the Sword?" Magnus says, needing the confirmation, needing Alec to say the words before this knife in his gut sinks all the way in.

"I just found out, I swear," Alec replies, his eyes darting everywhere as he comes closer.

"When?" Magnus demands. "When did you know? Tonight, when I talked to you about trust, did you know then?"

Alec stares back at him, purse-lipped, his arm shaking down by his side in the way it does when Alec is nervous. Alec sucks in a breath, and Magnus holds his own.

"I did," Alec blurts out sharply, and Magnus holds himself together enough to not show how winded he is by the truth of it.

"Okay," Magnus says, nodding. He has to get out of here, he thinks, yet can't get his feet to move.

"Look, I was worried that if the Downworld found out, there'd be widespread panic," Alec says. "It could have led to a rebellion."

"And you didn't trust me to stay quiet?" Magnus fires back at him, the pitch of his voice now starting to raise, that anger spiraling in him getting harder to contain.

"I didn't say that," Alec denies. "I didn't wanna ask you to have to keep a secret from your own people. That wouldn't be fair to you."

Magnus doesn't buy it for a second. It's the _Clave_ talking, he thinks, Alec always returns to blindly following orders when things get difficult. How did he ever believe Alec could be any better than this?

"Oh," Magnus says, "you're just like the Clave. Making promises you never intend to keep. Oh, _transparency_?"

"Magnus," Alec replies, far terser than he should be right now, "Magnus, let's not make this personal."

"How can I not make it personal?" Magnus asks, incredulous for Alec's words. "Valentine wants me dead."

Alec tries to quiet him with a finger against his lips but it only enrages Magnus further.

"He wants us all dead—"

"I _know_ ," Alec says, raising his own voice.

"And after I bared my heart and soul," Magnus says, his voice dropping to an angry whisper, disbelief still stirring through him that he knows is going to hit him repeatedly in waves. "I told you things I have never told anyone. And you looked me straight in the eye and _lied_."

"Magnus, I didn't—"

"I guess it runs in the family," Magnus adds with scorn. He knows exactly what Alec thinks of his father, because they've _shared_ so much together. He knows exactly what to say to make it hurt. And right now, _he_ is hurting. He has to strike back, and he has to leave now, before he says anything worse, or feels any worse.

"Hey—"

Magnus isn't listening to him. He turns his back on Alec, and gets to the doorway before Alec finds his words.

"That's not fair. Magnus," he calls, but Magnus is beyond hearing him. He storms his way out of the Institute ignoring the beep of his phone that is probably a call from Alec, sucking in a gulp of fresh air the moment he steps outside.

Magnus has been betrayed by many people in his life, so he should know how this works, be numb to the feeling that he can't trust a soul in the world. But he can't. Alec is different, he thought he was _different_ , Magnus pleads with himself, denying the sob that's threatening to erupt from his throat. Magnus looks around him desperately, pacing up and down outside the Institute, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts. But then he hears Alec's _let's not make this personal_ echoing back at him from both the time he came to his apartment asking for a DNA sample, and just now in his office, and it makes him want to curl in on himself and be alone with his pain he's in. This _is_ personal, it couldn't get much more personal.

Camille was right, Magnus thinks bitterly with another sharp turn as he paces, he _doesn't_ do well at being alone. Because what he wants to do right now is destroy everything in his path for the agony of being alone in the world once again. He raises his arm ignoring the tremble coursing through it, and conjures a portal that seems to shimmer from his mood. He isn't even sure if it's stable enough to use, but steps through it anyway, too in a daze to care too much.

Luke is still in his apartment when he portals back into it, and that's when Magnus really _wants_ to be alone.

"Magnus, calm down," he says, which doesn't help him at all.

Magnus resumes his pacing back and forth now feeling caged, ready to strike out at anything that gets in his way. To release some of the agony he's feeling by destroying something else.

"Was he ever gonna tell me?" he demands.

"I don't know," Luke replies. "Look, he didn't tell you—"

"I trusted him, Lucien. More than anyone," Magnus barks back at him, hurting so badly he feels like he's losing hold of himself. "And this is what happens."

Suddenly the fury is too much. If he doesn't lash out now, it's going to build up, and then—

Glass shatters at the blast of magic sent spinning from his hand. It doesn't take the edge off his anger, only goads him into releasing more of it.

"Hey," Luke says after a pause, probably waiting until there is no more glass flying at him. "I know you're hurting. I get it."

Magnus presses his fingers to his temples. He _doesn't_ get it, Magnus argues to himself, no one would get it. No one would understand why—

"And I'm sorry," Luke continues, "but you gotta settle down."

"No," Magnus replies, "now is not the time for _settling down_."

He needs to release more of this fury before—

Luke grips hard to his arm to prevent him sending more glass shattering around them, and it just adds a fresh layer of anger to what Magnus is already trying to work through.

"Yes, it is," Luke insists. "Alec is trying."

Magnus can't hear him for the sharp stabbing pain even hearing Alec's name sends surging through him. He tries to break free, but Luke only grips him harder.

"Trust me," he says, and that's a terrible thing to ask of Magnus right now. A terrible thing for him to be asked, and an impossible one for him to give. "He's on our side."

He _isn't_ , Magnus thinks, Alec will never be on the side of the Downworld. He's made that very clear tonight. His loyalties have been, and will always be to the Clave first. How could he have been so  _stupid_ to have ever believed anything else?

"He would never do anything to hurt you," Luke adds, and surprisingly it's the very thing Magnus needs to hear. It calms him, lets him organize his thoughts for what needs to happen next. To put things in perspective. Magnus snatches his arm away from Luke, his plan already beginning to form.

"It's too late for that now," Magnus says. "The Seelie Queen was right. We can't trust the Clave. They've deceived us again. Only now, Valentine is free, and the Sword's missing. And the survival of the entire Downworld's at stake."

The truth of it hits Magnus again. They could all be dead within days, hours even, if Valentine gets his hand on the Mortal Instruments all at once.

"We need to tell her," he adds, and Magnus loathes the idea already, can already picture the glee in her eyes.

"I don't trust her," Luke tells him, "I never have."

"She's the most powerful person in the Downworld," Magnus points out. "If we wanna stop Valentine, we're going to need the Queen's help."

Luke doesn't look pleased, but he doesn't disagree with him, and Magnus is at least thankful for that. He has to be thankful for something tonight when his entire world is crumbling apart.

"I'll arrange for a trip to the Court," Magnus adds, walking away from Luke before he can talk him out of it.

Magnus reaches for his phone, deletes the message and two missed calls already waiting for him from Alec, and sends a fire message requesting a meeting with the Queen. 

* * *

 


End file.
